Thoughts on Life Inside and Outside of Room 26
Learning and Change Through Fear...8/23/2013 To use fear as the friend it is, we must retrain and reprogram ourselves. We must persistently and convincingly tell ourselves that the fear is here–with its gift of energy and heightened awareness–so we can do our best and learn the most in the new situation. In July, I learned a little bit about fear. To hear that the building where I proudly work was labeled as it was: "Priority" put a bit of fear in me. We talked a little bit about fear today with our Year One Research Cohort at the University of Toronto (photos from that Professional Development can be seen below). We considered our fears: fear of change; fear of letting go; fear of not being in charge. These are some of the challenges of teacher ownership, of lesson creation and of my teacher's heart. Creating, planning and sharing lessons with students is something that I take pride in at work. The work of teaching is not complete when I have created a lesson, but after we work through the ideas and concepts together, and we reflect on how it went. A lesson is like a growing thing. After the lesson is used initially, it grows, changes; it goes through the necessary metamorphosis to better serve us all, the next time I teach it. When I think about changing that process, changing my focus, and doing it for and about a different purpose than deep and meaningful learning, I become, ultimately, afraid. Fear is paralyzing. I think that after all of the thinking about fear, it becomes very clear that I'm afraid to fail. "Fear of Failure" makes me think about the actions that this sparks: none. I won't act because I'm afraid to fail. I think in this regard, I am not much different than many other teachers who take their teaching very personally. I am firmly planted in the idea that my work is worth something, and that I am somewhat good at what I do. Now, a fear has alighted in my school, and my first response is disbelief and anger. Next I find myself incredulous. The lack of honest and forthright communication from all of the assigning parties brought about my next feeling: helplessness. Finally, I come to a place of firm determination: Let's do this thing. I changed my entire classroom when the Common Core was imposed by the assigning parties, and I can do it again. This gloomy, end-of-the-world announcement will not dictate a similar response in me. Each day I tell myself that, with "energy and heightened awareness" I can "do my best, and learn the most in the new situation." I'm ready to help in any way that I can with Fear by my side to "spur the sides of my intent."
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"Why thou, loss upon loss! ... and no satisfaction, no revenge. Nor no ill luck stirring but what lights o' my shoulders, no sighs but o' my breathing, no tears but o' my shedding." I feel as though I was just here. I was just in this place of sorrow, of death, and confusion. I lost the Principal who hired and inspired me for years in January (see prior blog entry) This loss is a loss so powerful, so painful, so shocking and profound it has taken my breath away for days; I am still not fully breathing. I am waiting to hear that it was announced in error; they were wrong; the system broke and there was a mistake made. I'm waiting for that call, that email, that announcement. I cannot wrap my mind or my heart around this event of profound loss. I am yet numb.
As a teacher, I am also a learner. This teacher, this hallway neighbor, this colleague and friend of 25 years taught me, with her unique and powerful ways:
This Is Just To Say...5/1/2013 This above all: to thine ownself be true, When I look at my students and think about saying goodbye, I struggle for something to share that they will remember. My senior courses are student focused and literature driven, so it seems an odd ending for me to be the focus of anything at the end. I do, though, want to say poignant things to them, to make them pause in this ending, this beginning, and remember the wisdom of Shakespeare.
Throughout our time together we endeavor to prove that Shakespeare, though "old and overdone" is relevant and is even magic to our own culture and experiences. He writes of love, loss, joy, kindness, relevance, disgust, progress, bigotry, gentleness, courage, and any number of things that my community of learners {myself included} is experiencing or will experience in the years ahead. When I was in high school Shakespeare's work was profound, powerful, distant. As a teaching adult, his words are now, here, and present. I had to fight for this course to run, with someone who said "Why bother with Shakespeare, he's not relevant, he's too old fashioned and kids don't relate to him anymore. I never read it in school, so why put these kids through that?" I give thanks to that person for saying those words, as they drive me to kindle the fire of the students in my classroom to recognize the Bard as a constant presence and influence. The stories in his folio match the experiences of the students that I teach each day, and it is uplifting and joyous to know that, despite our advanced age of technology and learning, we still, at the core, are a community of humanity. We celebrate, we sorrow, we rejoice, we mourn, we dance, we pontificate, we sing and we belong to the human race. That is what William Shakespeare wanted us to feel, even now, hundreds of years after his plays were 'played'; and we do. When I teach speeches, I ask that my scholars color each sentence, so as not to be fooled by lines. I did that here. I chose the speech of old Polonius to his son, Laetres, as he prepares to begin his scholarly endeavors. A caring adult's advice for a young person, leaving home, and entering the world. I hope they know that they can come home to EK and know that they are supported, cared for, loved. Yet here, Laertes? Aboard, aboard, for shame! The wind sits in the shoulder of your sail And you are stayed for. There, my blessing with thee. And these few precepts in thy memory Look thou character. Give thy thoughts no tongue, Nor any unproportioned thought his act. Be thou familiar but by no means vulgar. Those friends thou hast, and their adoption tried, Grapple them unto thy soul with hoops of steel, But do not dull thy palm with entertainment Of each new-hatched, unfledged comrade. Beware Of entrance to a quarrel, but being in, Bear ’t that th' opposèd may beware of thee. Give every man thy ear but few thy voice. Take each man’s censure but reserve thy judgment. Costly thy habit as thy purse can buy, But not expressed in fancy—rich, not gaudy, For the apparel oft proclaims the man, And they in France of the best rank and station Are of a most select and generous chief in that. Neither a borrower nor a lender be, For loan oft loses both itself and friend, And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry. This above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man. Farewell. My blessing season this in thee. "Don’t say what you’re thinking, and don’t be too quick to act on what you think. Be friendly to people but don’t overdo it. Once you’ve tested out your friends and found them trustworthy, hold onto them. But don’t waste your time shaking hands with every new guy you meet. Don’t be quick to pick a fight, but once you’re in one, hold your own. Listen to many people, but talk to few. Hear everyone’s opinion, but reserve your judgment. Spend all you can afford on clothes, but make sure they’re quality, not flashy, since clothes make the man—which is doubly true in France. Don’t borrow money and don’t lend it, since when you lend to a friend, you often lose the friendship as well as the money, and borrowing turns a person into a spendthrift. And, above all, be true to yourself. Then you won’t be false to anybody else" (Crowther). Crowther, John, ed. “No Fear Hamlet.” SparkNotes.com. SparkNotes LLC. 2005. Web. 12 Apr. 2013. In the Dark Quiet Night, A Light4/11/2013 "And so may a slow I first heard John O'Donohue read his own poetry on NPR's radio program called "Speaking Of Faith" [now titled "On Being"] hosted by Krista TIppett. Deep in the night I was awakened by my 2 month old daughter, and as I comforted her, I listened to "The Inner Landscape of Beauty," quietly, on the radio. That night, in the darkness of that room, I became a listener and a reader of this quiet Irish poet and his wise words. My mum says that poetry is the fastest way to get your most powerful ideas out. This is certainly that, for me, when I read and am comforted by this poetry. By clicking on the title of the poem below, you can hear O'Donohue read it himself.
This last year, in April 2012, one of my students lost his mum, his second parent lost to disease. I was overwhelmed; for him, for her. The thought of leaving the unfinished business of a teenaged boy was not something that I could quite fathom. My mind could only see grief and sorrow and even rage and terror. Thinking about her loss made me shudder. What would I say to my boy if I were called away? Seeing the larger picture now that I am 12 months distanced from the loss, makes me wonder what other secrets walk into my trimester classroom. What wars fought? What mountains climbed? What terror lurks? It is grounding to remember, yea, to be reminded, that I am a teacher-learner in a community of humanity. I am a lover of English, words, ideas, and stories, but ultimately, I am a part of a human community. "Bannacht" ["Blessing"] On the day when The weight deadens On your shoulders And you stumble, May the clay dance To balance you. And when your eyes Freeze behind The grey window And the ghost of loss Gets into you, May a flock of colours, Indigo, red, green And azure blue, Come to awaken in you A meadow of delight. When the canvas frays In the currach of thought And a stain of ocean Blackens beneath you, May there come across the waters A path of yellow moonlight To bring you safely home. May the nourishment of the earth be yours, May the clarity of light be yours, May the fluency of the ocean be yours, May the protection of the ancestors be yours. And so may a slow Wind work these words Of love around you, An invisible cloak To mind your life. “A New Year Blessing” Benedictus (To Bless The Space Between Us) For Courage When the light around you lessens And your thoughts darken until Your body feels fear turn Cold as a stone inside, When you find yourself bereft Of any belief in yourself And all you unknowingly Leaned on has fallen, When one voice commands Your whole heart And it is raven dark, Steady yourself and see That it is your own thinking That darkens your world, Search and you will find A diamond-thought of light, Know that you are not alone And that this darkness has purpose; Gradually it will school your eyes To find the one gift your life requires Hidden within this night-corner. Invoke the learning Of every suffering You have suffered. Close your eyes. Gather your kindling About your heart To create one spark. That is all you need To nourish the flame That will cleanse the dark Of its weight of festered fear. A new confidence will come alive To urge you toward higher ground Where your imagination will learn to engage difficulty As its most rewarding threshold! Farewell ...1/6/2013 If your actions inpsire other to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader. It is quite a thing to say goodbye in a sudden moment.
We have plans, and ideas and things that we can get to tomorrow, but really there are things that we must get done today. I lost a friend, a leader, a mentor, a teacher, and a principal yesterday. He gave me a chance. He hired me here and I'm deeply saddened to know that he's gone. Here are some lessons that I learned from him:
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